


Got A Hole Inside Of Me

by iofnewt



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Minor Injuries, That Thing TS Does Where It's All "Oh I'm Not Real" But It Totally Is, Unreliable Narrator, a little bit, i mean minor as in like, i'm really bad at titles did you guys know that, it's not intentional self harm but marius thinks it is and i might write more about that soooooo, it's the mechanisms so anything short of death is p minor but in this case its a stab wound, more biased than unreliable, no beta we die like ulysses, not a bad one tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:42:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26002846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iofnewt/pseuds/iofnewt
Summary: The Toy Soldier carves a block of wood, and thinks about the crew, and has a minor mishap.
Relationships: Marius von Raum & The Toy Soldier, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 112





	Got A Hole Inside Of Me

**Author's Note:**

> title from "valley of the dolls" by marina and the diamonds  
> is it angsty? is it a pun? is it a sex joke? probably not that last one but you'll never know!!!!
> 
> content warnings:  
> vague discussions of a friend previously being (sort of) abusive; it is "resolved", but not well  
> accidental knife injury (would maybe be major on a flesh person but it's TS)  
> shitty behavior from friends due to bad boundary-setting and the mechanisms being the mechanisms  
> an unresolved misunderstanding in which one person thinks another is self-harming
> 
> i also want to stress that this whole fic is from the toy soldier's perspective, so the information we get is just what it thinks; not all of it is necessarily correct, or complete

Everyone finds their groups within the crew. Raphaella and Marius and Ivy bonded in prison in Yggdrasil. Even before that, Marius was always such willing test subject, and Ivy was so inquisitive, Raph couldn’t help but grow fonder of them. Tim and Jonny were always at each other’s throats, but that just meant they were always There. Tim and Brian bonded over who-knows-what, although Brian made sure to bond with each of them to some degree or another. Ashes and Tim bonded over explosions, Jonny and Ashes were ideal partners in crime, and Jonny and Nastya had their whole sibling dynamic. And of course, Nastya had Aurora, and Aurora had Nastya.

The Toy Soldier thought on this as it carved a block of wood. It wasn’t sure what it was making yet; maybe an articulated octokitten, with clockwork this time. It wouldn’t be Real, and maybe this one would be able to pretend like the Toy Soldier. It didn’t think so, but it was a pleasant thought all the same. It would be nice to have something to bond with.

The Toy Soldier reflected on Brian. he was nice to it, generally speaking. Of course he was nice to it, he was nice to everyone, mostly. He talked to it often about what made someone Real, and he didn’t agree with it, but he seemed to like the way they disagreed, and kept coming back. The Toy Soldier liked Brian.

It reflected on Jonny. For all his bluff and bluster, he cared about the crew, and did his best to see to their needs. The Toy Soldier was usually glad it did not have needs. Sometimes Jonny would bring it buttons, or medals, or ribbons, or sometimes even a whole uniform. Sometimes he left it behind and was angry when it came back, and then squeezed it tight and smiled fondly at it once no one else was paying attention. The Toy Soldier did not entirely understand Jonny, but it liked him all the same.

It thought on Tim next. It had had a lovely time running about and shooting and hiding with him and Jonny during the Moon War, but he’d been so angry after the doctor let him go. He had been particularly angry at the Toy Soldier, which seemed rather a bit unfair to it. He’d spent the first century or two yelling at it and breaking it whenever it tried to talk to him. But they had finally spoken, and come to understandings, and now Tim was kind and gentle with it, stood up for it, even. It forgave him, of course, it wasn’t capable of things like anger, didn’t have the capacity to hurt. It couldn’t feel white-hot rage and helpless despair when it thought about the things Tim said to it. It couldn’t feel a deep and boiling guilt-sadness when it thought about the Tim it knew now and the Tim it had known before and it couldn’t feel the swampy confusion of trying to reconcile those two Tims with the angry Tim it had known in between. It didn’t have these feelings because it couldn’t have any feelings. It- oh.

It realizes that it is no longer carving the wood, and has at some point stabbed the knife clean through its hand. It tries to wiggle its fingers, to no avail, and heads off to search for Marius.

It decides to think about the others while it walks the ship. It spends much of its time thinking on the crew. It likes being here more than it has liked being a great many places. It likes Ivy and her library and the poetry and stories she reads it. It likes Raphaella and her science and the way her nose scrunches when she laughs. It likes her even when she makes it be her lab assistant or do all sorts of tests that leave its wood splintering and its gears jerky and slow. It likes Ashes and the particular way they cheat at cards and how they say sorry and mean it when they accidentally set the Toy Soldier on fire or break it. It likes Nastya and the care with which she touches everything mechanical, and her rare soft smiles. It will always be grateful she picked it up, so it isn’t bothered when she swears in Cyberian and calls its clockwork “primitive slapdash garbage” when she works on it, or when she scoffs at its suggestions of things like having grand tea and baking scones together.

It rounds the corner into the medical bay, cradling its impaled hand in its good one. Thankfully, Marius is at his desk, scribbling at something.

“Hello Doctor Baron Marius!” the Toy Soldier chirps, slapping a wide grin onto its face. “Do you have a moment? I’m afraid I’ve had the littlest bit of an accident! Would be jolly grateful for your help!”

“What? Oh, yeah, of course, come on in, sit down. Woodcarving mishap again?” Marius scoots an extra chair over with his foot and gestures to it.

“Yes, I do have ever so many of those, don’t I?” The Toy Soldier tries to keep its tone light, but something must be off, because Marius doesn’t respond at first, just stares doubtfully at it for a few moments.

“...Yes,” Marius says finally. “S’pose you do. May I see?” He holds his hand out, and it navigates the handoff as best it can.

It is a long while that the two of them are quiet together. The Toy Soldier watches absently as Marius picks and nudges at the minuscule gears and belts, looking for anything broken or out of place.

It thinks on Marius. He is very loud, many times, but occasionally very quiet. He tries very hard to make the others talk about their feelings, which most of them are never happy about. The Toy Soldier understands that this is important, so it is glad that Marius works so hard to take care of the crew. It doesn’t quite understand why he tries so hard to treat it the same. If it could be uncomfortable about things it thinks it would be uncomfortable with the tender way Marius asks it how it’s doing. It couldn’t say exactly why, just that it didn’t seem right to treat it the same as all the others.

Marius talks very much about himself and says very little. The Toy Soldier does not mind this. It knows that it is what he prefers, but it does wish he would take his own advice. It thinks sometimes that it should tell him all the things it likes about him, but it knows that Real people don’t like that, that they find it creepy or silly. Sometimes it feels important enough to tell him anyways, just so he knows. Marius often seems cheered and gutted by this at the same time.

The Toy Soldier does not know what to think about Marius. It likes him, and is glad he helps the others. But. It knows he is trying to convince it that it is Real. It knows that he is very smart, even if his degrees are fake. 

It knows that it is not Real. It knows this. Marius makes it very hard to _keep_ knowing this. It wishes he would stop. It’s glad he doesn’t. It wants him to stop. Things are right and easy and clear if the Toy Soldier is not Real. It thinks maybe if it were Real and thought it wasn’t that perhaps that would hurt very much. It knows that things cannot hurt when it is not Real.

Marius clicks the panel of its hand back into place and pats it. “There we go! Wanna give me a test wiggle?” It complies, and Marius smiles. “Perfect, you’re all set!”

“Spiffing, thank you ever so much old chap!” The Toy Soldier stands to leave, but is stopped by a hand on its sleeve. When it turns back around, Marius is wearing a soft, worried expression.

“Hey. Maybe uh, maybe next time you’re carving something, if you think you might have another uh, ‘accident’, we could spend time together? Maybe watch something, or talk about whatever you like, or just do our own things quietly.” Marius lets go of its sleeve, voice growing even gentler. “Could be whenever. If I’m asleep, you can wake me up. I just... You’re not alone, you know? You’re cared about. Alright?”

The Toy Soldier does not feel a lump in its throat. It does not feel the paint of its face forming flat tears at the corners of its eyes. It does not let out a quiet “oh.”

Marius looks conflicted for a moment, then gathers the wooden man into a strong hug. It freezes for a moment, then wraps its arms around his back.

When they part, it looks away. “Perhaps,” it falters, and tries again. “Perhaps I’ll take you up on that some time, old bean. It sounds like jolly good fun.”

Marius smiles. “Good. Yeah. Thank you.”

The Toy Soldier smiles back, and heads back to its room to finish its octokitten. It doesn’t think it’ll have any more mishaps tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to just be whump but then marius showed up and fixed shit. v rude of him.
> 
> i did like!! punctuation and capitalization for this one!! are you guys proud of me
> 
> anyways depending on interest and whether or not my brain cooperates i might post a 2nd chapter from marius's POV? idk
> 
> also i couldn't make this fit anywhere but when ts walks in on marius he's wearing reading glasses and looks very cute pls know this


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